Shell

So it has been a while since I had last posted. Many things have changed as well as come and gone but as of late, I feel like I am just a shell of my former self. Gone are the days of being active every day of the week with am workouts and evening activities of either swing dancing or rock climbing. No more weekends of random adventures or dashes to finish a race. That zest for life I once enjoyed seems to be a distant memory. I feel utterly empty inside and it sickens me. I am no longer the fit outgoing type, but rather getting fatter by the day of commuting 2-3 hours each day to work a 9-11 hour day. I have unhappily settled into the sedentary life and as many times as I try to re-spark that flame and drive I once had, I get plagued with injuries, or life just throws me a few more wrenches. People say just apply for another job, and I do... I ship off 20-30 resumes a week and am constantly working on my portfolio. I try to live healthier lifestyle but I am always ending up falling short. It is almost borderline depression and parts of me feels like I am going insane.

With what everyone tells me, they say, I have achieved mountains of awards and accolades, but in some ways I feel like I have not done enough or have failed in many ways. With the kids I work with, I still feel the burden of those that fall through the cracks and that I cannot reach. My heart is no longer in the place where I feel like I am even making a difference as this generation seems to lose interest in helping others and become more focused on helping themselves. As they seem to rather plug into their ipods and social networking sites instead of experiencing what the world can offer them outside the computer. I am tired of constantly fighting and crawling my way to make ends meet. I pick up side jobs and wait for phone calls from possible interviewers. Professionally, my life seems to be puling itself apart at the seems, personally, my health is slipping from my fingers, except for my relationship, which has been giving me moments of comfort and calm in all this madness. However, it brings more concerns of how would I be able to support a family or to be able to provide for my own future. I feel that now, I am just an empty shell of what I used to be and believed in.

People say I should be proud of what I have accomplished, but when I look back, I feel as if I have yet to make an impact. I have inspired people to do many things from taking on new challenges in life, to doing a marathon and triathlon to even getting married. I am ashamed because I am no longer living up to the standard I set for myself. I am drowning in a downward spiral that is sucking me deeper into the chasm that has little light. All my efforts seem to be in vain and that the world is just passing me by. The fire that once burned so proudly and strong is barely even a glimmer of light. I want snap out of this funk, but even so, where would I find the energy. Deep inside, no matter what, it is still me who needs to do all the things that are required of me, but at the same time, I do not remember what the first step is anymore.